TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF IN A RELATIONSHIP – PART 2.
Step 4. Instead of judging and criticizing yourself, practice self-compassion.
We set unrealistic expectations for ourselves, expect ourselves to be perfect, and then berate ourselves for falling short. We deserve to treat ourselves with the same loving kindness that we show others when they’re struggling.
Challenge your judgements with these…
What are you struggling with right now?
What would you say to a friend who was struggling with the same issues?
Now, say the same thing to yourself.
What loving act would you do for your struggling friend? (A hug, time alone, homemade treat, a
self-help book, etc.)
Using this as inspiration, what loving act can you do for yourself?
Step 5. Instead of people-pleasing, develop a stronger sense of self.
Sometimes we can let relationships define us – we lose our own identities and give up what’s important to us. We can avoid this by reconnecting with our interests, goals, values, and friends. We can make time to do what’s meaningful to us, rather than deriving our worth from being someone’s spouse, parent, or best friend – or doing what will make other people happy.
Questions to develop a stronger sense of self:
What are your interests and hobbies? (If you’re not sure, just brainstorm some ideas.)
What are your personal goals?
How and when can you explore some of your interests and goals?
Step 6. Ask for help.
Some of us (depending on our history) struggle with asking for help. We may not know how, or want to appear ‘weak’., in reality though, its far from weakness. Asking for help is normal and necessary and it can reduce exhaustion and resentment which can plague us when we feel like we have to do it all ourselves.
Questions to inspiring asking….
What do you need help with?
Who could you ask to help you?
Even though it’s difficult, would you be willing to try asking for help? Why or why not…
Step 7. Instead of letting people take advantage of your kindness, set boundaries and be assertive.
Boundaries create safety in relationships; they communicate your expectations and how you want to be treated. Contrary to popular belief, boundaries aren’t selfish or unkind. It’s healthy to communicate your needs and let people know what’s okay and what’s not okay.
What boundaries do you need right now?
If this is a boundary that you need to communicate to someone, try writing a script and reading it out loud to yourself to see how it sounds. Make sure it clearly states what you want/need, it’s direct yet kind, and it’s not blaming or judgmental.
Working through these steps can help us move from feeling lost within our relationship, to a clear identity and sense of ‘self’. These are also the first step, and it can help to continue to explore these through counselling, support groups, connections, and friends. Let me know if you have any questions, or wish to connect.
Get in contact if you’re seek counselling for yourself, or for you and your partner.