Letter to my jealousy – by B
To my feeling of what I am describing as jealousy, but I think is actually insecurity and hurt, a letter to you!
I see you and I feel you. You continue to take me into a nasty chokehold with a significant physical response and I hate that about you. Why do I give you, and this feeling such power. Therapy is showing me that I have to feel you, authentically sit with you which is inevitable when you consume so much of my mind during those times.
You aren’t something that I like feeling or spending time with, you’re not my kind. I don’t remember feeling you in this intensity before in my life. This relationship with J has allowed you to gain power because of learnt beliefs and behaviours, and ultimately as I said at the beginning of this letter, I think you actually present as jealousy from a place of insecurity and hurt – that occurred for so long in my 6 years with J.
I allowed the actions and choices, and values of others to affect me, more significantly than I knew. Not only that I placed so much value on what others had and lost so much value of me, who I am, my values, my body, my whole being comparing myself to these other people that I in fact don’t relate to.
Being jealous (insecure / so hurt) isn’t something that I have felt in previous relationships and isn’t something I can carry into any future ones. I can feel the weight of you changing through a whole lot more value in myself, confidence and self-soothing, and discussions with J – but you still rattle me so much. Therapy is teaching me to remember that my healing is a process, and these 6 months and even fewer months in session isn’t enough to expect any significant changes lasting responses to these TRIGGERS, BUT I can feel more in control of you now, in my own time, in my own space, with my own methods of dealing instead of having to pretend my feelings didn’t matter.
My feelings are real, based on my lived experiences, so I see you and I feel you but you don’t need to exist too significantly. I am a total catch of a person, professionally, personally, and romantically and I need to reinforce that every day. That will help me deal with YOU!
So to you, you uncomfortable, acutely consuming feeling I’d like to see and feel much less from you mate – take a seat at the back!
From B, the unsatisfied vessel in which you sometimes live…
From a brave, strong, intelligent human… currently in therapy working toward thriving, rather than surviving.
Thank you B for your words, and letting those struggling with the grip of a feeling know it isn’t so scary.