Navigating the Aftermath of an Affair: Insights from a Couples Therapist

Infidelity can be one of the most challenging experiences a couple faces. It can shatter trust and create deep emotional wounds. As a couples therapist, I’ve seen many relationships struggle in the wake of an affair. However, with commitment and the right approach, healing and even strengthening the relationship is possible. One effective framework for addressing infidelity is the Gottman “ATTONE, ATTUNE, ATTACH” model.

Understanding the Gottman Model

Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, developed the ATTONE, ATTUNE, ATTACH model to help couples rebuild their relationship after an affair. This model provides a structured approach to healing and reconnection.

ATTONE: The First Step Towards Healing

Attone is about making amends and taking responsibility. This phase is crucial for laying the foundation of trust and understanding.

  1. Acknowledgement and Apology:
    • The partner who had the affair must fully acknowledge the pain they caused and offer a sincere apology. This isn’t just about saying “I’m sorry” but truly understanding and validating the hurt their actions have caused.
  2. Transparency and Honesty:
    • Transparency is essential. The unfaithful partner needs to be completely honest about the affair and answer any questions the betrayed partner may have. This can be painful but is necessary for rebuilding trust.
  3. Empathy and Understanding:
    • Both partners need to practice empathy. The betrayer must understand the depth of the pain caused, while the betrayed should try to comprehend the underlying issues that may have contributed to the affair.

ATTUNE: Reconnecting Emotionally

Attune focuses on rebuilding emotional intimacy. This involves addressing the underlying issues that led to the affair and fostering a deeper emotional connection.

  1. Emotional Presence:
    • Be fully present and engaged with each other. This means listening actively, validating each other’s feelings, and showing empathy.
  2. Open Communication:
    • Create a safe space for open and honest communication. Discuss feelings, fears, and needs without judgment. It’s crucial to address any lingering issues or resentments that may have contributed to the affair.
  3. Conflict Resolution:
    • Learn healthy ways to manage and resolve conflicts. This involves staying calm, avoiding blame, and focusing on solutions rather than problems.

ATTACH: Building a Stronger Bond

Attach is about creating a secure and loving relationship moving forward. This phase emphasizes positive interactions and shared experiences.

  1. Quality Time:
    • Spend quality time together to rebuild your bond. This could be through shared hobbies, date nights, or simply spending quiet time together.
  2. Affection and Appreciation:
    • Show affection and appreciation regularly. Small gestures of love and kindness can go a long way in rebuilding intimacy.
  3. Future Goals:
    • Set future goals and aspirations as a couple. Working towards common goals can strengthen your partnership and give you a sense of shared purpose.

Practical Steps for Couples

Integrating these principles into your relationship requires dedication and effort from both partners. Here are some practical steps:

  1. Seek Professional Help:
    • Consider working with a couples therapist trained in the Gottman method. They can guide you through the ATTONE, ATTUNE, and ATTACH process and provide additional tools and techniques.
  2. Practice Patience:
    • Healing from an affair takes time. Be patient with yourself and your partner as you navigate this difficult journey.
  3. Commit to Change:
    • Both partners must be committed to making positive changes in the relationship. This involves continuous effort and a willingness to grow together.

Recovering from an affair is a challenging process, but it is possible with the right approach and commitment. The Gottman ATTONE, ATTUNE, ATTACH model offers a comprehensive framework for healing and rebuilding trust. As a couples therapist, I’ve seen many relationships not only survive infidelity but emerge stronger and more resilient. Remember, the journey to healing begins with a single step—take it together.

For more information on the Gottman method and how it can help your relationship, consider reaching out to a qualified therapist or exploring resources from the Gottman Institute. Your relationship deserves the chance to heal and thrive.

From my heart to yours,

J x

Get in contact if you’re seeking counselling for yourself, or you and your partner.