THE LENS WE SEE THE WORLD THROUGH.
The Lens Of Couples
One of the most common struggles I see with couples is having different lenses they see their relationship through.
To understand the lens, let’s take a look at conflict. I’ll share with you a conflict scenario. One partner is more aware of the mess in the house than the other. It causes them many issues, and conflict constantly because they just can’t see eye-to-eye on what a clean house looks like, they feel stuck, and it’s causing them to disconnect. In order to help understand this conflict and get ‘unstuck’, we need to look a little deeper.
Let’s take a closer look at one of our partners. Parter 1 (aka P1). As an example, this partner may have grown up in a very ordered household. Cleanliness was key, as was structure and discipline. Everything had a place in the house, and if anything was not put away, there were consequences (sometimes severe). Now, if P1 has a good relationship with their family, they might take this on as a way to live in the world. It worked, so it works. If they weren’t as connected or really struggled to fit into this design, they may want to rebel against this upbringing, and live a less structured life. Either way, you might be able to see the different views. Structured = comfortable, or, structured = chaos.
Now if we think about this person in a couple, and, let’s say they connected to this upbringing and had a good relationship with their family unit. = It worked, so it works. They are structured, clean, and disciplined. And they meet a lovely human, commit, and have a little family of their own. Now, when they fell in love, they fell for someone whos a little different to them – just to spice it all up a bit. They found a ‘relaxed soul’, a person that doesn’t really notice the mess. Now, at the start, this might not have been an issue for these two. Hormones make the love bubble a beautifully ‘I will tolerate all our differences’ place. But time passes, and P1 starts setting up plans, structure, meal preps, exercise routines, etc., etc. and P2 gets a little confused about all this planning and organizing, and maybe starts sharing that they feel overwhelmed (depending on their lens).
In comes their conflict. And, they might say to each other. ‘You’re too much, or you’re not enough’. Until their conflict drives them to withdrawal or separation.
We could end the scene here, but what we miss is understanding.
When we look at each of their lenses, we can see why it might be a little confusing for both parties to be in this conflict. P1 likes structure, it feels like home and it works; they feel safe. P2 had a different upbringing, we don’t know as much about them yet but let’s say they took the other route, rebelled against the structure because they didn’t want to feel ‘controlled’, also a way to feel safe. In this conflict, however, unfortunately, these differences separate them, rather than opened a door to understanding.
The key here is: The more we understand, the easier it is to see clearly.
Insert analogy. Say we are in traffic and we get cut off, it can really impact us, and maybe send us into stress response; however, it’s much easier to digest when we know that that person was on the way to the hospital rather than generally breaking the law. It’s all about the Context!
Often when couples find out the ‘why’, it helps soften the issue. Because it gives us context.
The ‘why’ in their conflict is that they both want to feel safe and comfortable in their home, but what safety looks like is different.
It doesn’t change the lens we each see the world through, but it does help us understand what the other persons’ lens might be! The more we know, the more understanding we are. And, the more we might be able to soften our own lens!
Take a little time to check your lens…. You might find an interesting hue!
Get in contact if you’re seeking counselling for yourself, or for you and your partner.